I like to force. I’m a forcer. I force things. You think this is not gonna work out? Nope. Not an option. I’ll make it work. I’ll force it.
Without knowing it, this is the motto I adapted for myself in life as a whole, but also in my relationships. Yet, in the few (very, very few… like very few… like almost nonexistent) romantic relationships I’ve found myself in, I’ve always been able to sense the change. You know, the moment when you just know it’s over.
In this moment the mind has a sort of clarity that the heart isn’t capable of. It understands that:
Things don’t feel the same, that the spark is gone, that you’ve changed or they’ve changed, or there’s simply nothing left to say… That’s the change. And that’s normal, and sometimes it’s easy to accept and move on from.
But sometimes it’s not all that easy.
Sometimes your heart starts working in overdrive to convince your head that it’s right… to ignore the signs, and chase that man down.
But whatever you do, do not, I repeat, DO NOT chase that man down. Seriously.
I’m a romantic through and through… but at the same time I can admit that I am flawed in matters concerning the heart. More than that, I can admit that sometimes my heart is really just plain stupid.
Sometimes I cry watching cat videos, and after watching the movie “Lion,” I was halfway convinced that I needed to drop out of school and start my life as the mother of an adopted child from India (and I was all the way convinced that had found my soulmate. His name? Dev Patel).
I’m a hot mess a lot of the time, partially because mother nature has got me surfing the crimson wave once a month, but partially because sometimes I love so hard that I often forget the necessity of logic. Sometimes it just feels so good to love someone; so good you might even be able to convince yourself that they love you back… even if they don’t.
My heart frequently thinks it knows better than my head, and it is frequently wrong.
I’ve learned that in the realm of love, “fake it ’till you make it,” is the wrong approach. Ignoring the signs that a relationship is failing is not romantic, it’s stupid, and love isn’t supposed to leave you chasing, rejected, and confused. Love isn’t supposed to hurt. Love is supposed to be the exact opposite.
That’s not to say that love is always easy and effortless, because I don’t think it’s that either. I think that love is a balance of emotions and consciously choosing to be with someone, and at the end of the day the one nonnegotiable is that this choice has to be mutual. Nothing about unrequited love is romantic.
Love is something you can’t wish into fruition, and it’s definitely not something you can force. Even if you are a forcer. *sighs*
And so, here I am. All by myself. *cue Celine Dion to provide the soundtrack to my solitude*
*cue chocolate waterfall to materialize and enable my emotional eating*
I feel you Celine. But after going through one too many painful almost-relationships and weird fade-away break ups, I’m at peace with my single-ness, because now it’s a choice (kind of).
Sure if, in this instant, my dream man appeared in front of me, baggage free and ready to be the Barack to my Michelle, I would be ecstatic. But it doesn’t work like that. I also know that I could settle for less than that if I wanted to, but I’ve done that before and suffered because of it, so now I’m choosing to wait.
I know that I can’t force it, and I know that it will happen if and when it is supposed to happen. I’d rather be single and alone, than alone in an empty relationship.
*Goes back and picks up mic, because was not done talking*
So here’s to all the single ladies and gents out there. Hold out hope, you won’t be listening to Celine and drinking liquified chocolate forever. (You should probably stop doing the chocolate part now, actually.)
And instead of waiting around, work towards making yourself a boss ass b-word, or a baller ass dude, and when your Barack/Michelle walks into your life, you’ll be ready to handle being with them, without losing yourself in them. You’ll be self-sufficient AF, and emotionally stable enough to be your significant other’s biggest fan, not biggest stalker.
In my opinion, that’s #goals, not weird-needy-and-unrequited or fake-and-forced.
– Plain Jane xx
(To my future Barack, if you’re reading this… extra points if you have a man bun. Heyoooo)